Unapologetic 2018

It's 2018 and I've had a revelation. I am done with feeling bad about what I am not doing.

For example, this blog. I have not published anything since April of 2017. I hit a roadblock because I wrote a post in June of 2017 and submitted it to Horse Network to possibly be published there (exciting) but I have never heard back a yes or no. It's not published there but I also can't publish it here until they decline it. Not a reasonable excuse but I lost my steam. And so I truthfully only published 5 posts in my 2017 reboot. And now my domain is up for renewal and I feel bad that I didn't follow through better.

But it's not that languished on the couch for all that time! I took a part time job as a stablehand at the barn I ride at, Columbia Equestrian Center. And from there I became barn manager. I picked up a project horse towards the end of summer who is now successfully a part of the lesson program. I have another horse that I am helping to exercise 2 days a week.

I had a small bump in my Etsy shop business around Christmas time which has inspired me to try and grow that business (to afford more lessons and horse shows of course). I worked on artistic side projects such as a painting for my best friend and a new sign for my tack trunk. I improved my sewing skills and had bonding time with my mother while building a ring wraith costume for the Haunted Hunter Pace. And at the pace I had a great time with a good friend (with her Arwyn and Frodo costume) and took the aforementioned project horse Merlin off farm for the first time.

As barn manager I get more exercise in a day than I know what to do with. So I'm often sore but I'm also the thinnest and most muscled shape of my life. Also as a result Yoga for Equestrians is still going strong! I have some semblance of a social life, mostly through barn friends and friends with dogs. I don't see my family as much as I would like due to scheduling and financial constraints. But life is good! There is no reason to be unhappy or feel guilty.

But I find that guilt comes so easily to me. If I'm riding, I'm not doing art. If I add working on art, I neglect this blog. Maybe I do all the things, but I'm not keeping up with my friendships. And it's important to allot time to taking care of myself. I'm not going to feel good about my performance as a rider, barn manager, or person if I don't get proper sleep and nutrition to stay strong and get the job done. The simple truth is that there isn't time for everything I'd like to do. There are always things that fall to the back burner. I'm not singing as much as I used to. I haven't practiced oboe in forever. I don't read very much anymore. I can't hold conversations about tv shows, movies, or video games as well as I used to. I don't help with household chores as much as I ought to. I have a number of sewing projects, wood working projects, and house renovation projects that are waiting for time, money or frequently both.

But today I am done with feeling bad about it! I know I can't do all those things. Everyone knows that list is too long. And no one expects it from me. So instead of feeling bad for whatever thing I'm currently neglecting I'm going to celebrate what I have done. Even if what I have done is sit on the couch and do nothing because that is what my brain and body are saying that I need! Guilt is so demoralizing and a real energy and productivity suck. I refuse to let it steal from me any more. So yes I will renew my blog domain and yes I will post in it periodically and perhaps inconsistently. But it's on the list of things I've done, will do, or want to do, and that's good enough for me.

/endspeech

P.S. I'm totally not done with it. The guilt is going to come back around. This isn't something I can just decide and be done with. But the war starts today and with it so comes the progress. Who is with me?!