New Beginnings

There's something ironic about the fact that my last post was titled "A Long While," presumably because it had been five weeks between that post and the one before. And yet here I am very nearly six YEARS later, posting again. I thought about titling this post "A Longer While" but it seemed like more than a little bit of an understatement.

I probably don't need to tell you that a lot has happened in six years. And in some ways it's a little hard to recognize the person I was all those years ago. Somewhere between here and me there were big life events, things like getting married, getting a cat, getting another cat, buying a house. There were job changes and moves. A whole lot of growing happened (although not physically - vertically is a little aww but horizontally is yay.)

Don't worry I have no intention of relaying my entire life story of the last six years and prior, but there are a few key points I feel I should cover as an introduction (reintroduction?) to this blog.

The Time I Was That Crazy Horse Girl

Growing up I was definitely that horse crazy girl. I mean it was horse dolls, horse folders, horse art projects, horse science projects, etc. Basically if I could make it horse-related then it definitely would be. I took it to such a degree of crazy that my gymnastics instructors thought I had a mental disability because when they told us to run laps around the mat I always galloped instead (I didn't find out they thought that until much later in life... awkward.)

My parents owned an equine veterinary practice so there was plenty of horse talk around to fuel my horse craze. You'd think I'd be a shoo-in to be one of those riding-since-I-was-tiny-and-now-am-a-total-horseback-badass kids, but no such luck. I seem to be the only one in my family who is dying to jump on a 1000+ lb animal and try to tell it where to go. Strange.

My parents certainly have respect for the beauty of horses but were drawn to vet work for the science. Dad once told me that he decided to be equine exclusive with his practice because it got him working outside and, unlike doctoring most livestock, he could work with patients on an individual diagnosis basis instead of as a herd. And here I always assumed he chose to work with big animals because at 6'4" he has big hands...

To this day there are plenty of times in the horse world when I feel regret, sadness, or frustration that I did not have the barn rat childhood. It can be easy to blame your parents for denying you such a horse-tastic life when you are at a show and having your ass handed to you by a tiny, nine-year-old child who has already won her body weight in show ribbons. But these feelings are fleeting, and they pass, thank goodness.

Most of the time (when I'm not in the middle of turning green with jealousy) I can recognize that, not only were my parents trying to give me the best childhood that they could, but also that they succeeded. I may not be as accomplished of a rider as some kids. And I may spend the rest of my life trying to catch up and never succeeding. But that's ok. I know I am skilled at a number of other things. Things like art, music, baking, sewing, the list goes on. There is a whole slue of skills in my bag of tricks that I might not know if I had grown up a different way. (By the way, this isn't to say that the tiny horse-riding badass children that I'm constantly losing ribbons to are not also well-rounded and accomplished, because I'm sure they are.)

However, in the heat of the moment I may not be thinking as sensibly about all this. When I'm starting to match the color of the grass, the thing that I try to comfort myself with is a sense of certainty that if I had started riding as a child I would have died by now. After all it has taken me a very long time to age into the limited amount of coordination I now possess.

The Time I Was Not That Crazy Horse Girl

I haven't even finished my first post and I'm already getting a little lost in tangents. Ok so back on track here a little bit, I eventually outgrew the horse-crazy stage (or so I thought.) Through middle school and high school as all the other little girls grew out of loving horses, as I progressively became more aware of how much of a weirdo it made me, and as time, energy, and money were all spent on other extra-curriculars, I became someone who was fond of horses but ultimately didn't have much to do with them, and left it at that.

I guess you can't totally shut the crazy out because I would still drag my family to a trail ride every vacation I could, and I would still try every now and again to get dad to arrange a horseback ride opportunity with one of his many clients. Ok maybe the horse crazy really slips out more than I realize because now that I think about it, I went to a college fair during high school and picked up a brochure for the sole reason that it had horses on the front. ...and then I actually went to that university. Whoops.

The Time I Got to Learn Some Horse Stuff

While I was at Truman State University I had the opportunity to join their equestrian team. I didn't have enough time or money to show and practices were often closed to showing members the week leading up to a horse show. So really for me, being on the e-team meant that I paid them dues, got some apparel, and every once in a while I got to ride with a little bit of coaching. Eventually I had enough seniority for class registration that I was able to snag one of the hard-to-get spots in the horsemanship classes.

This was a great thing for me. I got to ride every week, I got formalized teaching in a small group format with riders at the same level as me, and I got to try English riding for the first time in my life (I always thought jumping was amazing so huntseat felt like finally getting on the right path, even though I never could have imagined actually getting far enough in my training to jump.) Ok so you might be wondering, so why didn't this launch you back on to the crazy horse girl bandwagon? Well there's two pieces to that.

First of all, I honestly didn't believe that I would get to ride again after college. I had hoped I would find a way to ride again, but I honestly didn't believe it could happen. I was too old to beg favors, too old to use mom and dad's money, and I certainly didn't have much of my own. Everyone knows that horseback riding is an expensive hobby.

Secondly, while I love horses and was so excited to have a chance to learn more, my time with the e-team at Truman was not all sunshine and rainbows. Now I'm not about to slander their program. After all they provided me with some really valuable opportunities and I think it's phenomenal that they have an equestrian program in the first place. But in a college setting the barn attitude shifts in waves as the students do. And while I was there, unfortunately, it was not a very welcoming attitude. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of nice people there and I don't recall anyone being outright mean, but the general vibe was if you didn't know something the other riders were more likely to be frustrated that you're in the way than interested in helping you learn to do it right.

In addition to that strong feeling of not-belonging, there was also a very negative experience I had during one of the team practices that unfortunately had long term effects on my confidence as a rider. I was assigned to a horse that I'd never ridden before. She was super cranky and very mare-ish and I'm pretty sure she could smell the newbie on me from a mile away. I just remember we were working on some sort lateral movement, side-passes maybe? but whenever I tried to ask the horse to move over, she would get faster and ultimately started to run away with me.

Now maybe coach was just having an off day because this is an isolated incident to my memory, but the more we flew around the arena the more frustrated and loud coach seemed to get. It probably seemed like I was not listening to her; I hadn't done as she instructed,"Slow her down!" "Post slower!" The problem was that I didn't know how to slow the mare down, and I didn't know how to get my body to do the things coach was telling me to do. I was getting both run away with and yelled at, and in front of the whole team no less, (the team full of the real riders that I admired and idolized a bit.)

I actually don't remember how that episode ended other than I know I didn't fall off. But I do remember leaving that practice feeling humiliated, completely incompetent, and like I could never be a real horse rider.

The Time I Realized I Still Wanted To Be That Crazy Horse Girl

I couldn't tell you what exactly it was that made it happen, but about two and a half years post-grad my horse crazy starting rearing its head again (pun fully intended.) Maybe it was because I found myself living in Columbia, MO, which has both Stephens College and William Woods University nearby to fill the area with horse people. Maybe it was because as someone in the very early days of marriage I suddenly found myself with aslight influx of money and time. Maybe it was because I hadn't developed any roots in this town and with my husband working long and strange hours I was looking for something a little more from life. 

Whatever the cause may have been, it was enough to fuel an idle Google search for local places to ride. You know, just to dream a little and see how much I couldn't afford them. Luck must have been with me because Columbia has enough horse culture that a local magazine had written an article summarizing all the local options. (Thanks Vox!) 

And this is when I had an amazing moment of clarity. In this moment I realized, I'm an adult! I can spend my money on horseback riding lessons if I want to!

All right this is great! Isn't it? I've got a little time, a little money, a secret box of horse crazy, and several affordable local options. Time start riding! Well yes, it should absolutely be that simple. But I've got really complicated girl-brain, and crazy-brain, and excessive imagination paired with worrying abilities galore so of course we can't make this a simple operation! So in place of simple I have this pile of doubts. Not sensible, reasonable, or logical doubts. But there they are, these sticky, naggy little things weighing me down and gluing me into inaction mode. How could I possibly set up lessons?

First of all there's this giant list of places. How to find the best one? Is it a good money spent to time riding ratio, can you groom your own horse, do they have and indoor and an outdoor arena, do they teach huntseat, is the instructor insane, are the horses all demon ponies? Never mind the concept that you can change barns if you don't like it, I HAVE TO FIND THE BEST ONE RIGHT NOW! Also there's other baggage, like I'm still thinking I'm a kind of hopeless rider, and what experience level do I tell them I'm at?

Not to mention this means calling someone on the phone and I HATE making phone calls. Particularly strangers who are likely to know in one phone call without ever having met me how much I could never be a REAL horse person. Clearly all logical problems am I right? But ultimately the only thing standing between me and horseback riding was one little phone call and a small leap of faith. And I really wanted to ride.

I know it probably seems like a tiny insignificant thing, and believe me I know all the above worries about getting started put me seriously high on a crazy scale, but to me, it was not a tiny thing. It says a lot about my irrepressible desire to ride, my need to ride, that I ever picked up the phone to schedule that first lesson. And from that point on, with one little phone call to Kris at Columbia Equestrian Center, everything changed.

The Time It Was Now Again

So tracking right back to present day (horse humor, see what I did there?) I let loose my inner horse-crazy child, we no longer have time or money, and it was probably one of the greatest things I ever did. I've not only been taking lessons at CEC for three years, but I've started jumping, I've started competing, and I've gone cross-country schooling, I've gotten to work with green horses, and I've even had the opportunity to half-lease at times. It's such a thrilling journey, slowly realizing more and more of my horse dreams are actually within reach. 

But as I've been diving headlong into all the horse crazy I can afford other hobbies and skills have been falling dormant. It will be a lifelong struggle, always looking for more time, money, and energy for all the things I want to do. For the moment I'm trying not to stress about the fact that I simply can't do everything at once. It's better to enjoy what I'm doing now than worry over what I'm not getting done. And for right now, I've decided to make some time and energy to remember how to be the girl who loves to write AND still be the girl who loves horses. (And actually gets to ride them!) Thus I am re-introducing my newly revitalized blog, "Just Breathe and Grab Mane"