Helping Me Help Myself

Image by Дина Орлова from Pixabay

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I also hope that everyone is blessed to have good friends they can confide in and talk things through with during their riding journey. It's not always an easy venture, and it's so important to have supporters and listeners out there for you.

I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for. They know how to listen through all my drama, scrape me off the floor, give me a boost, or a give me kick in the pants when needed. Truly, everyone needs friends like that. And I hope they can say that I do the same for them.

Left to right, Mikaela, Aleina, Kat, and me. Plus all our favorite horses <3

One thing I've come to realize more and more is that having an audience for your story is hugely helpful. It's funny because so often the end result is that listeners help me to help myself. Sometimes my audience is my friends. But other times it's you all.

Many people I talk to say that they struggle to be that open with other people. They don't always know how to open up to even close friends, and certainly not the big scary internet. If you feel you are in that camp, then maybe start small with just a journal. It's a chance to practice being open to yourself, or an invisible stranger. It really can help.

There are two key parts to the help me help myself equation. I need to think about 1) what to tell and 2) how I want to tell it. Those two seemingly simple things, allow me to access more successful mindsets.

Step 1 - What to Tell

What am I trying to tell this mysterious audience?
Earlier I called it a story. But it's not meant to be fantasy or a complete work of fiction. I have no intention of sugar coating everything, bloating experiences out of proportion, or editing out the less happy details.

I want to talk about my struggles, my feelings, my fears. And likewise, I want to blog about things that are very real. I never want to show some fictional charmed life or add to a long list of unobtainable goals built on half truths floating on the internet.

But I need my friends for this. I trust them, I love them, and I know they return the sentiments. I need that safe space to blow off steam, speak poorly, misrepresent myself, and show all the other ugly parts of working through problems.

I need my friends to hold my hand sometimes. Being open is NOT easy. Not with the internet, your friends, or even yourself. It takes effort and practice. Sometimes I'm better at it than others. Sometimes it feels great and satisfying and sometimes it doesn't.

Left to right, my husband James, me, Rebecca, and her husband Ed

I started this blog for myself. I wanted to log my experiences and thoughts so that I would have a way to look back and see how far I've come. So that I can remember that at one point being asked to make a circle at the canter was terrifying. To realize that yesterday's terrors are today's thoughtless actions. And to embrace that today's terrors won't be terrors forever.

I started to write, very sporadically. And I thought, sure, why not make it publicly visible? No one is likely to read it anyway but it can hang out on the internet. At some point I got into a habit of writing for an audience instead of a journal to myself. Maybe it was just knowing that my mom reads these, who knows? (Thanks mom!)

To be honest, I have no real idea of who reads these posts now. I generally assume it's a modest handful of friends and people I know, checking in periodically, and that's great. I think it sounds awesome to have a readership and grow into an active community. But that also sounds like a good amount of pressure.

Blogging is just a hobby to me so it can grow or not grow as it sees fit, and that's all gravy to me. It's enough to just think about writing for readers. And if someone finds something useful on here, even better. Which leads me back around to how do I tell my audience my stories?

Step 2 - How to Tell it

I don't want to get too deep, dark, sad, and ugly. I work hard to keep a good mental state and surround myself with positive influences in my life so I certainly wouldn't want to create an energy or mood suck with my blog.

Of course I want it to be real. And that means there will be good things and bad things, ups and downs. Sometimes I'm right, and sometimes I will be dead wrong. It's all a learning process.

I have to realize if I wait to have perfection to share, I will die waiting. I've got to share the truth, be it rough, ugly, or even ultimately false.

Also important, I don't want anyone's pity. If I am talking about a tough time, I don't want to bring it up in such a way that garners a whole bunch of sympathy or fishes for compliments.

This where the majority of the magic happens. How do I tell my real story, talk about my true feelings, struggles, experiences, but create a positive reading/learning/sharing experience for us all? Answering this question is so helpful.

I am allowed to express when I feel bad about myself. Because that is very real, and that happens, quite frankly, a lot while I'm learning. But I am not allowed to say that I completely suck or suggest that I am a lost cause at riding.

Basically any of the mean things my brain likes to tell me while I'm struggling, those things are off limits. None of those unhelpful thoughts can be repeated here as if it were fact.

Which is really huge. Because I honestly think that is the beginning of building a whole new attitude and brain-space for myself. I'm slowly able to rewrite and edit my internal monologue.

I don't know if I will ever get to a day where my brain says no mean things, but I am definitely getting better and better at combating harsh thoughts in the moment.

The Example Tangent

Sometimes I get into scenarios where I know, or greatly suspect (don't want to be a self-fulfilling prophecy here), that I'm going to struggle in a lesson.  And where there is struggle, it is almost guaranteed that harsh, self-deprecating thoughts will abound.

I know I don't want a negative experience so I try to figure out what I can do to stack the deck in my favor. It's no use worrying about it. Worrying just guarantees you will be tense and anxious, which in turn makes sure your horse is really uncomfortable. And if your horse is uncomfortable and nervous you are definitely not going to get an easy, smooth-sailing ride.

For example, I've been riding Merlin so much lately, and it's honestly great. I feel like I'm getting to experienced the coveted "connection" that you read about in books and see in movies.

Merlin and I as a ringwraith and Andrea on Silver as Arwen and Asfaloth carrying Frodo.
Our pairs costume from Lord of the Rings for the Haunted Hunter Pace 2017.

I feel more confident than ever (with lessons at home, familiar stuff, and familiar spaces, lets not get carried away here. Shows and such is improving but still a work in progress).

But it's time to ride other horses again.

I miss experiencing the other lesson horses. There are several new horses at the barn that I haven't had the opportunity to try because of leasing Merlin. I honestly don't want to be the kind of rider who can only ride one horse really well.

I need to round out my riding. I want to ride all the things so I can be the best rider I can be.

Herein lies the problem. I like wide horses. Usually wide comes with slow or lazy built in (but not always!). Which means I have a lot more experience with lazy horses than hot horses.

To ride other horses and really work towards my learning goals, means I'm going to ride skinny horses with more speed and sometimes questionable brakes (arabians and saddlebreds, I'm looking at you).

Another factor is that Merlin only rarely refuses. If he does refuse, it's in a few very sit-able ways. I know I've sat refusals and even helped refusers be bold for jumps in the past. But it's been a while.

Basically everything I need to do is going to feel unfamiliar and strange. And I know that for me unfamiliar and strange creeps over to be a little bit of fear, which cultivates tension and stiffness, which leads to being less balanced and connected in the saddle. This is a self-sustaining loop that can repeat itself infinitely.

First things first, to stack my deck, I preach relaxation to myself. Relaxation is much easier said than done, but I have a few tools. I can noisily exhale and force the issue a bit. I can positive think the sh*t out of things.

Realistically, I'm not super worried about falling off or getting hurt. Sure those things could happen, but they likely won't. I'm not riding any unbroke or completely unknown horses here.

My bigger concern honestly is that I'm going to feel afraid of those things (regardless of likelihood) and through that fear, I may have a mental breakdown. You know, the hot soggy mess I like to talk about on here so often.

What are the consequences of having a mental breakdown? Realistically, there aren't any. I know my trainer is good and patient. I know the students around me have been there before, and we only wish each other well.

Any perceived embarrassment or cruelty of onlookers is pretty well imagined (at least in our barn). But reality aside, I just don't want to be a mess. I want to be a cool as a cucumber, brave as hell, can handle anything especially my own damn emotions type rider.

Regarding my first non-Merlin lesson in a long while, I feel certain that I am not set up for success to be the chill rider I want to be, at least this time. And there may not be anything I can do to change that right now.

So whatever happens, happens. I sometimes feel embarrassed or less of myself because I lose control of my mental state. But many times I work and succeed at accepting it as part of who I am. I accept it is a normal trouble to have and be working through, and that I am not alone in this.

/end tangent;

Wasn't This Supposed to be About Your Friends?

Oh right. So I'm explaining these fears to my friends, my faithful listeners. And I'm thinking carefully about how to phrase it in a way that doesn't make it sound like I'm discrediting my own abilities.

Because I don't need reminders about how good I am, how much I've learned. I don't need to be told I will be fine (even if those things are all true).

Perhaps I kind of want to be told that it's ok if I have an emotional meltdown. Maybe I need to reread my own post that my instructor doesn't really care about that so why do I need to be stressed about it.

In trying to explain my thoughts and fears to my friends in a way that allows them to help me, I sent this:

it's [riding new horses] just a little scary, and more scary to realize how fragile my confidence is. It will all be fine and good to do, but I've felt so rock solid lately its hard to go back to the learn lots fast grind

As soon as I sent it, I realize I had found my own truth. I'm not really afraid to jump other horses. I don't really think it's the end of the world if I can't keep myself together for a lesson. Even if I don't enjoy everything in the exact moment it happens I will still lump this all in with the riding that I love so much.

But I'm afraid to damage the confidence I have now, and am reluctant to see it go, even though I know it will come back stronger than ever.

Knowing this doesn't really solve the problem, but it feels so much better to go into the next scary lesson having pinpointed the fear. Almost as if it's a battle but now I know my enemy.

And so this Thanksgiving season, I hope you all have those friends you can confide openly with. And if you don't yet, keep looking, because they are out there for everyone, and they are truly wonderful.

Left to right, Kristi, me, and Katie

Thank you to my friends for dealing with my bullsh*t and sharing yours with me. You really do help me and help me help myself.

P.S. In choosing photos for this post I realize I do NOT take enough photos with my friends, especially in riding scenarios. We should fix this!