I Didn't Want to Write This Post

I almost didn't write this post.

Spoiler alert: it's about depression.

The Reason

I recently identified in myself what I call a "depression flare". As I was just kind of processing, trying to "solve it", and ultimately just trudging through, I became pretty aware of my mind on depression and was able to objectively observe myself I guess?

Anyway I thought I came up with a somewhat insightful description of it (we will get to that later) and that's what made me think about writing a post.

But then I kind of didn't want to. It didn't feel super relevant to anything horses. It's not necessarily a feel good or happy post which is what I like to spread the most. And the internet is already so full of posts about depression.

Obviously here I am writing this post. Because horses actually do play a role in this. And I do believe this post has the power to make someone feel good, maybe just through shared experience or understanding.

If for no other reason, depression is relevant because it's a very real part of my life. This blog is meant to share riding experiences, tips, stories, insights. There is absolutely no way to divorce my real life from all of that. And it effects many more riders than just me.

My friend Katie wisely pointed out:

"[those posts about depression are] there because it's important and people need to hear [them], in so many different voices, until they can finally find one they can adopt into their own head."

I am writing here to add my voice to the mix. If I only help one, single person to take only a tiny step towards a better mental state, just for a single moment, that is enough reason for me.

Slight disclaimer here. I am coming at this from the standpoint of someone who has already been diagnosed with depression, talked to a doctor, and come up with a functioning treatment plan.

I am writing about viewpoints and additional ways of dealing with challenges. Definitely seek professional help if you need it or are unsure!

Identifying Depression Flares

I got pretty lucky this time. I think I caught on to the flare relatively early. Before I identified it, I was left with overwhelming feelings that didn't make sense. 

My internal reactions to the situations around me didn't quite match up to what is normal for me. General feelings created by day to day experiences would linger a lot longer than they should.

Horses actually helped me identify that something was wrong. 

There is no literal shroud of darkness to let you know the thoughts/feelings you are experiencing 

stem from depression, not reality. I don't know if that would be handy or unfortunate. Likely both. 

Image by Tommy Takacs from Pixabay

I don't know about you, but I live in the Midwest. Last week in the Midwest it was a bazillion degrees. That's kind of an exaggeration but not really. It was consistently high 80s or low 90s but with an enormous amount of humidity that sent the heat index skyrocketing.

It felt like we were literally on hell's front porch. And while most of me wanted to pretend outside didn't even exist, part of me still really wanted to ride.

This week the weather dropped back down to normal, manageable, enjoyable summer. But come lesson day, I didn't want to go. No real reason, I just didn't feel like riding. I just wanted to sit on the couch and do nothing. It wasn't that I've had a really busy week and desperately needed some downtime (because that does happen), I was just generally disinterested.

This is my red flag. And I am so fortunate to have one, because having seen a red flag, even though I didn't feel any better, the world made sense again.

Flag that I had missed #1

As soon as I started thinking hey maybe my depression is acting up I could think back and things had better context. I've been a little late to work this week because I've struggled to get out of bed.

I'm not a morning person and it's always somewhat a struggle to get out of bed. I didn't recognize the subtle difference between not wanting to get up because the bed is comfy, and not wanting to get up because it felt like it didn't matter. But that should have been a flag.

The previous night I had friends visiting the house which is always a good time. But I finished the night feeling a somewhat negative pinch to my stomach that I couldn't place. When I tried, the potential causes didn't make sense. Those were flags 2 and 3 but I didn't see those either.

Flag that I had missed #2

My friends came over because I was going to clip/groom a friend's dog. The dog gets shaved regularly and I have volunteered to do it the past several times. Since no one wants to let me learn clipping skills on their horses (shocking) I practice on dogs instead.

Chrissy is very good and patient for clipping which makes her great for learning and practice.
Another big advantage is that her owner is a good friend of mine and really doesn't care what Chrissy ends up looking like.
This is a good photo of Chrissy but not my most recent grooming session.

Because I am incapable of letting things be simple, I recently acquired some grooming shears to help (attempt to) shape fur and make more of an intentional style. My friend Rebecca really doesn't care what the dog ends up looking like, and is just happy that I'm doing it so she doesn't have to.

In trying to shape the tail and topknot of the dog (which I had never done before), everything got a little shorter than intended and I felt bad about it.

I know neither Rebecca nor the dog care. I think I was disappointed that it didn't turn out as well as I expected, but that's super normal for learning to do a new thing. There was no reason for me to be left feeling guilty. 

Flag that I had missed #3

I have a cat, Anya, that has been peeing outside the box and requiring me to buy lids for them all. She's not an old cat, gets seen by a vet annually, and seems perfectly healthy. She just doesn't squat at all and even on a high sided box sometimes pees over the top (it's real gross). 

Anya, it's a good thing you're cute.

Since Rebecca is a vet I had asked her if she would just double check and make sure my cat doesn't have any hind end issues that I am overlooking. The idea being she might be able to tell me if she saw or felt anything that warranted an appointment with my regular vet. 

DISCLAIMER! I always try to be respectful of work/life balance and boundaries. I know that vets in particular get asked work questions and to look at pets all the time when it's not appropriate or appreciated. I try not to ask too often, and always make it clear that she can tell me no and I will 100% understand. 

Anya is my social and friendly cat. She is also my loud and whiny cat. She is a lap cat but generally wants to come to you, not get picked up. I've trained her to be tolerant but it doesn't come to her as easily by nature as it does my other cat, Nora. Anya's always been nervous but good for trips to the vet office in the past. 

Rebecca did not notice anything wrong with her. The cat is probably just not very careful when she pees. But in the course of just feeling out her hind end and belly, Anya got a little indignant. She's never done poorly at the vet but I should have been more watchful anyway.

I got a couple scratches on my hand, no big deal at all. It makes a nice reminder to stop procrastinating trimming the cats claws. Also perhaps asking Anya to be tolerant while there were also dogs in the house was asking too much. You live and you learn, but for some reason I felt really bad about the whole scenario. 

I would have felt awful if Rebecca had gotten scratched, but as she pointed out, it's her job to get her hands out of the way faster than cats. But I guess that I was embarrassed that Anya didn't behave as well as I expected (likely because she's usually cowed and nervous a bit at the vets office vs home), embarrassed that I got scratched because of my poor instincts/reactions, guilty that I had asked Rebecca to look at her in the first place. 

These are perhaps normal things to feel, but their intensity and how long they lasted was not normal. This should have been another flag. Rebecca later said that she could tell I was feeling bad about the situation, but couldn't think what she could say or do to make me feel better about it.

Putting All the Flags Together

I couldn't shake the negative feelings after the dog groom and cat scratch events. So I just went to bed. Usually when I feel a little weird, I'm ultimately just tired and the world will feel right again after a night's sleep. 

The next morning I still did not feel better. I also really struggled to get out of bed and go to work. On my drive to work I noticed that I just felt really sad, for no reason that I could find. I was thinking about the day ahead of me and I just wanted to go back home and back to bed. 

Even thinking past the work day, I had a riding lesson that evening but I felt like I would rather go back home to the couch and do nothing. This is when it finally all clicked into place for me. Maybe it seems obvious to you, but I finally realized, this is depression.  

What Depression Looks Like

Protip: depression doesn't look like this
Image by Dorota Kudyba from Pixabay

Ok, so I'm having a depression episode. That's good to know, but it doesn't change the general ick I'm feeling. Now I know to make sure I take care of myself. Be cognizant and careful to try to eat real food, drink water, get some sunshine, etc. 

I'm sitting in my office, feeling like a completely useless blob, and just trying to survive the day. Part of me wants to tell my coworkers, "hey, sorry, I'm not going to be super productive today, I'm struggling with depression" so they can understand, or lower their expectations or something. 

But that sounds super awkward and cringe-worthy. And would the even believe me or would it just seem like I'm being melodramatic? Because outwardly I don't really look different.

I'm not crying every 5 minutes. I actually still laugh and smile. I am not incapable of enjoyment at this point, it just often seems fleeting. 

It was while I was contemplating what depression feels like vs looks like that I came up with the (I hope) helpful description that I mentioned above.

It feels like, how can I tell someone I'm depressed and have them believe me, when I just was laughing at a joke not two seconds ago? And I do have a genuine smile right now.

But the thing is, it's not that I can't feel happy at all. It's more like, on a normal day I will sit at a nice content neutral by default. See the left bar on the chart below.

From there I can easily be pulled higher, to happiness, excitement, joy, laughter, etc. or I can go down to worry, sadness, anxiety, melancholy. It's perfectly normal to oscillate up and down from moment to moment. Daily life is a range of all these emotions. 

But when I'm having a depression episode, it's like the whole scale is shifted. I can still feel the highs, I still oscillate. But when I come back to default neutral state, it's like I'm magnetically pulled down to the negative feelings just a little. See the right bar on the chart below.

At first glance they don't seem very different.
But on closer inspection, the default is not the same, and that can have a huge impact internally. 

It means that the highs are often less high, and the lows can easily get deeper than they should. Everything negative has a lingering quality because the neutral isn't really neutral anymore.

What Now?

In some ways, just realizing I was having a depression flare was very helpful. It didn't really change anything about how I felt, but it gave my emotions and reactions a context that was helpful to understand.

Yes to some extent I sort of have to just wait it out, but there are a few things I can do to help.

Having some sort of schedule for "normal" is very helpful. I didn't feel like riding in my lesson but I didn't allow myself to skip. There was no good reason not to go and it's better to stick to my normal routine than let myself get swallowed by a depressive slump.

I also was able to reach out to friends. I am fortunate to have close friends that I am comfortable revealing that I am struggling. (Note: writing this article to share with all of you was a bit of a stretch. Hence the opening line)

But even if you don't have someone you are comfortable telling, just reach out for social time. It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but let someone else help shift your focus. Also I have found that having a friend who needs help or advice is actually really helpful. Sometimes helping with other people's problems can feel very empowering. Sharing experiences is grounding too.

And then for me, there is always horses. I didn't particularly want to go to my lesson, but I did have a good time while I was there (muted-ly good time). Horse smells and sounds, and those soft eyes are just good for the soul. If nothing else I would always recommend go groom a horse. I swear it can help heal anything.